Hey!
It's Eurovision time!
Yeah, they still have that... Even though the standard has completely dropped off and it's all done over webcam...
Of course, it's too dangerous to travel any more... REMAIN INDOORS!!
Um, yeah, so... Moldova had the best entry this year. It was the least depressing. Just pure fun! The true Eurovision spirit!
My god, I hope we don't have a repeat of a few years ago... Finland's entry got bitten before he came on!
Unfortunately, he still had to perform... Like, infected! As a zombie!
So, as a result, Mr. Lordi, poor soul, growled his way through 4 minutes on international webcast.
The funny thing is, he won! I guess it was just so different!
Right... Well, UK are doing pretty well this year!
Even though our song was pretty shite... (Not as bad as Ireland's!)
Anyway, we're clambering up the leaderboard as I type... We may still be on the left side of the screen!
Like, that's amazing!
Lord only knows how long it's been since we won Eurovision though... 20 years maybe? At least 10...
Yeah... 1997... Just about the time we started giving up as a nation.
Last time we won, we were still fighting on the beaches. Fighting on the landing grounds. Fighting on the fields and on the streets...
Oh, Katrina and your Waves. You may well be the last British winners of Eurovision. We have very little spirit anymore...
Very quickly, may I just point out that I'm deciding whether or not to care about you. I'm just hurting myself...
Erm... Sorry about that. Just a little something that I needed to get out, pseudo-publicly...
Hey, so... What do I suggest we do to win Eurovision again? Give up with fucking feel-good!
Inspirational songs aren't memorable! Look at Lordi! From nowhere! Something different, something that makes you look twice!
Maybe I should take my shitty parody song on there... Ah, nevermind... I'll just go die in a hole!
REMAIN INDOORS