Huff... Puff... Huff... Puff... I'm back... And I'm exhausted... I made it back before midnight to tell you all about my trip to the LHC!!!
I HAVE NEVER WANTED A PLANE TO CRASH AND KILL EVERYONE ON BOARD MORE THAN I DID TODAY.
For fucks sake. I was looking forward to this once-in-a-lifetime trip for so long. How did it turn out so badly?
Urgh... Where should I start? I suppose I should start with the good news... The machine works. It does kill zombies. We're saved.
Celebrate? Yeah, why the fuck not! I'll have 3 Double Vodkas with Coke in the space of an hour! That's how students celebrate! Right?
Kill me please. Put me out of my misery. I'm the last one left. The other thirteen are all dead. Or worse. I'm alone.
It started off so promisingly, 14 very excited physicists preparing to observe history in the making at 5AM, not a zombie in sight!
Not for long though. We made it to the plane, fine. It took off, fine. One of our group started coughing and spluttering... Err...
Got to Geneva's makeshift runway, fine. By this point, the poorly group member had become cold and seemingly comatose...
Pressing on without him, we were shown the miracle machine, and we were shown it working against the actual undead!
It was a little unnerving having a possible infectee on the 'team', but we'd come such a long way, we weren't going to let that stop us!
So, we looked around for a whole day, we saw the field generators and everything! And then it was time to go... Back to the plane...
Sadly, our group member had passed away while we were looking around. He had died, and his corpse was in the cargo hold.
HEY YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED ON THE FLIGHT BACK OH THAT'S RIGHT HE CAME BACK TO LIFE.
Everyone was terrified, we hadn't seen a single infected all day, and now there was one in our midst? On our plane?
And, as you'd expect, he made very short work of the unprepared physicists. I had to defend the pilot on my own for 90 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to fight off 13 ravenous zombies on a plane with no weapons for an hour and a half? Didn't think so.
So yeah. I was praying that the plane would just explode, but instead, the pilot landed, I jumped off as he got bitten, and... Here I am!
Everything I was looking forward to just completely went to shit, and then that shit hit a fan, made of shit. IT WAS SHIT.
Very rarely do I say I would rather have been dead than experience something, but this is one of those rare occasions.
EVEN BEING DEAD WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE ENJOYABLE.
Really, I had expected too much. When will I learn that most people are fucking retarded, and it's no wonder everyone's a zombie.
Yep, even physicists it seems. Even the survivors I had known and trusted turned out to be useless, mindless flesheaters in the end.
Well, yeah. That's how bad my trip was. It made me want to kill all living things and just start again with planet earth.
Harlots, jokers, strangers, freaks, decievers... Who fucking needs them? Good riddance to you all! I hope you burn in hell.
Every day that goes by, I realise more and more that I'm never going to get a happy ending. This is a zombie film, after all.
Right, so... 'Humanity' is saved, just as soon as they've built up enough power to make a world-wide field, but life is still shit until then.
Everyone, I tell you every day, and also to remind myself...
REMAIN INDOORS